Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
