The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
