I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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