Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
