I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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