get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
