I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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