Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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