you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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