i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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