he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
