im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
that's an acceptable place to lick
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
