How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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