if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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