my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
