it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love you. Go after that dick
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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