Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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