dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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