I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
