I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
