I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can I color on your dick again?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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