Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
