mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
