if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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