You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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