Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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