I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
