My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
