"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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