How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
