When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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