I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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