I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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