Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
