They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
