I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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