bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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