I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
