Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
