I should be sponsored by Trojan
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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