You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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