Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
