So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
