I think I won the penis lottery.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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