halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
