absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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