billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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