Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
