Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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