oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I can't put those talents on a resume
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
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