Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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