I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
