did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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