The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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