On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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