My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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