I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
